harrug
Seriously loving this album, especially the range of quiet and loud it bounces around between. "dear twin" is a highlight for me, great riff with enough variation that it makes for a blissed-out 7 minutes. That outro is especially great.
Favorite track: dear twin.
geebheart
i really wanna die, this album is very close to me and full of hope. maybe they give me the will to not give up, dont know, maybe 1 day i see the beauty again, thnx for sharing yr music
Favorite track: It was very beautiful outside today (flower).
PinEyes
Beautiful, sincere, genius, unexpected, daring, dark & bright, haunting & daunting at the same time. A masterpiece.
I was going to put "i actually don't wanna die" as my favourite. But "dear twin" is just too powerful to be left out.
Favorite track: dear twin.
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Partly as a musician who releases music in hopes that others will listen and partly just for myself, as it's essentially the first album I've ever completed that is centered around a collection of finished songs, rather than just sketches and unfinished ambient/ lo-fi music like much of my previous discography.
For the most part its a personal recollection of whats its like struggling with bi-polar disorder, self-isolating behavior, genuine personal connections (or the lack there-of) and pervasive and constant suicidal thoughts/ dis-associative episodes.
It consists of material that I've recorded over the past year after the release of my previous album "attic son" which was released to a very surprising and inspiring amount of positive feedback
I took an extended trip out west for about 2 months and continued to live in my van for a period of about 8 months in 2017 in toronto and a handful of the songs that I recorded for this album were songs that were originally recorded on the road, using my iphone and either just re-recorded or mixed over the past couple of months that I've been working on the album to finish it.
That entire time period was an incredibly emotional one.
I went through some severe ups and downs, mostly pertaining to a constant sense of never having somewhere to be or to call home, as I was always moving, and living in my van meant I wasnt able to stay places for very long without getting noticed and ticketed.
I had a particularly severe series of manic and dis-associative episodes right before leaving to go out west, I found myself walking around for a week or two totally unsure as to whether I was actually alive, as the world around me appeared cloudy, and hazy, and the people I saw didn't seem as though they were really there at all, and neither did I.
This sense of not being sure about reality, and the people I meet, and the tangible objects I touch is something that still lingers with me to this day and it has for a handful of years.
Recently I've been finding myself questioning it heavily again, often asking myself questions that I probably shouldn't be asking, things that could potentially be leading me down another hole to a place I can easily find myself unable to escape from.
I've had plans all year for the release of this material but it kept changing and my mind racing and taking me to so many different potential places for how to release it.
It started as me just wanting to do a data dump and release about 50 unfinished songs
But I was able to talk myself down into focusing on a vision for what the album should be as a finished and curated piece of something tangible.
The album itself in terms of genre may seem like a departure for some people who have listened to my music in the past but are only really familiar with my ambient work.
To me though, and to my friends who know the type of music that I enjoy playing and creating the most, this is essentially the most genuine I've ever been with a release.
Which in some ways kinda freaks me out, just because of how incredibly personal it is, Knowing that I am going to have to try to distance myself in some ways and be objective as much as I can, because constructive criticism is one thing (and obviously an important thing), but criticism is sometimes harder to swallow when you take into consideration the personal attachment and emotional weight behind something, especially the lyrical content, and even just the moments themselves, as a lot of these recordings are ones that were done in one take, off the cuff, and entirely in THAT moment.
A track like "I actually don't wanna die" comes to mind.
I almost didn't want to release it, because I thought over and over again about how some people might think it's like too on the nose, or some other criticism I cant handle, but personally it's my favorite track on the album, I wrote it all in one take with a drum machine and then just overdubbed some live drums.. and the sincerity of it makes me cry when I listen to it.
That being said, all the songs on this album mean a lot to me, and there was so many more that I wanted to include and felt like I should have included but they just didn't feel done, and I didn't feel like re-recording them after having had already done so for so many other songs. plus the album is already way too damn long as always.
What I've realized with the creation and release of this record is that I need to be ok with my status as an obscure bandcamp artist, and fully embrace it.
it's easy for me to get cynical about this topic, I've been playing music for about 18 years, and about 8 of those years I've spent recording and releasing music. but, I am a very isolated person, and when it comes to music especially kind of a perfectionist (in a not perfect at all sort of way) which means that I do everything myself, mostly out of necessity and ultimately that means it's possible for me to make mistakes, and misstep, and head in the wrong directions. Beyond that I am not a marketing guru, and i do not understand the inner workings of the music industry pr world, which again limits me to a sort of self imposed obscurity that I may never be able to break away from.
I've spent the last couple years trying my damnedest to move on to that next level as a "professional" musician, watching all my friends and acquaintances bands doing really well and being really proud of them while continuing to sort of just wade in the shallow waters of career musicianship.
really whats happened though is that I've caused myself to just constantly reconsider my motivations, and keep coming back to the same realization that ultimately none of it matters, and the only reason I'm even making and releasing music is for myself at this point and that essentially I can make and do whatever I wish as an artist and be accountable to no-one.
Because the whole point of all of it anyways is self expression.
In the end is about walking a fine line between being objective of your own creations and being totally genuine and expressive, I have yet to find a way to totally blur that line, But I feel like I'm at least getting closer.
To me, the album serves as a sort of anthology, for all the places I've been and the people I've seen and the person I've tried to become over the past year...
My plan is to do a sort of worrybody+attic son Outtakes and unfinished tracks album release soon, just to get all that material off my chest and out of the way so I can focus on something entirely different for now.
I would hope that for others it can serve as a guiding voice and helping hand when it comes to dealing with personal struggle and mental illness.
credits
released February 24, 2018
All music and recording by Andrew McLeod
mandolin on "end" performed by Mitch Langdon
Tape effects in "waiting for the right thing to come along" and "end" made with the help of Nick Grimshaw
The love and support of all my friends and the people who tell me to keep making music.
This album is one of my favorite albums because of how raw and pure it sounds. The true emotion that comes from Jay's performance is more than believable and it's what helps Crywank stick as a proper musical icon. 10/10 would recommend to everyone if they were more than willing to give it a try. saintjimmy57
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